Sand Art Crafts

The Sand Boat - Poetry class help?

Please critique. The Sand Boat Far across the Kalahari Sails the Sand Boat, radiant craft Relic of some ancient folly The sandspray mists from fore to aft. Once held men or gold or diamonds Still long-forgotten crew aboard Their bones now feed the hungry sands Their final passage still unfolds. The nomads know to not trespass The desert hugs its sacred young And in the hold remains the stash For who would touch a Grizzly’s cub? Locked in eonic enmity The wind and sand and ocean warred Short peace brings to this trinity Messiac monument of Man. Dune waves undulate, endless shore Zephyr’s tendrils withhold their breath For ages now and ages more The Sand Boat floats, a shibboleth.

Public Comments

1. I like it very much, however there is one line that bothers me: "For who would touch a Grizzly's cub?" seems out of place with the ocean / desert imagery that you've presented. Other than that it's quite well written in my opinion.
2. This is really great. Some of the metaphorical relationships render extremly effective. I really don't think I'm near talented enough to accurately advise you on this; you seem to be a much more experianced poet than I. Non the less, there were some spots that stumbled a bit when spoken outloud. "the nomads know to not trespass". somewhat of a tounge twister, but not reflective of alliteration. Maybe consider rewording? I love the second to last stanza, possibly my favorite. The third line in it is slightly off, as far as flow goes. In order to make it sound lyrical, I feel like I had to lengthen the time "brings" was spoken.